In my super early 20s I was dating a guy I thought I was going to marry. He was hilarious, successful, incredibly loving, adoring, generous… I could go on.
I remember the day I met his best female friend, a lingerie designer. We went to Angelica Kitchen in the East Village, close to my apartment at the time. We had fun. Her and I didn’t click per say, and I was kind of jealous of the witty dynamic they’d developed over their 10+ year friendship, but it was a lovely meal.
The next day I asked him what she thought of me, and he said…
“She said it seems like you’re trying too hard.”
It only stung so bad because it was 100% true.
I wanted SO badly for her to like me. But it was more than that. I wanted SO badly for EVERYONE to like me, and to be beautiful, successful, funny, smart… the modern “superwoman.” The medical doctor who also happens to be a model and fly planes in her spare time. Oy.
As a homeschooled kid who started public school at 10 years old, I quickly learned that you have to push push push to be liked and successful. In 5th grade they started talking about college and careers, and as a homeschooler I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the schoolwork or fit in socially. So I tried SO hard.
What I really needed to learn is that it’s ok to fail, and ok to not be liked by some people, because that leaves you available for the opportunities and relationships that are TRULY meant for you. No one teaches that in school though.
Why is it important to know it’s ok to fail? And to stop pushing so hard?
When you stop pushing you can start receiving – that’s just how the universe works. Whether you want friends, a partner, a healthier body, or a certain job, no one has gotten any of these things through neediness.
When you stop caring so much, you become a magnet. I’m sure you’ve experienced this. It’s where suddenly the things you’ve been chasing start chasing you. It’s where you give up on finding a boyfriend and he suddenly lands in your lap out of NOWHERE. Clockwork.
Today I’m working for myself full time from my laptop, living in the Caribbean for most of the year – with stints in New York – and feeling more confident, alive and calm in my body and brain than I ever have.
My life slowly but surely clicked into place when I stopped obsessing over my body, controlling my food, and chasing after people and things, and started allowing myself to receive in all categories.
If you feel like you’re pushing and not getting very far, this is what’s worked for me and my coaching clients…
1. Prioritize your genuine joy.
If you were going to make a batch of brownies for the man or woman you wanted to marry, you wouldn’t settle for stale chocolate and funny-smelling butter. And you wouldn’t try to cook them in a dish that had holes in it. Those brownies wouldn’t cook right, they’d probably start a fire in the oven, and they wouldn’t taste good. In fact, they would make you sick.
If you’re not brimming with pleasure, joy, and true energy, EVERYTHING is going to feel so hard. You’re going to feel like YOU are that baking dish with holes in it.
On the other hand, when you’re filled up energetically, you magnetize what you want. When you treat yourself like gold by prioritizing your own happiness, the Universe responds, like a man (or woman) to a woman who’s ovulating (LOL I had to).
The people and things around you, and yes, the universe, respond to unadulterated pleasure and energy. Your energy is like your internal bank account – you want to keep it up.
So what makes you feel completely satisfied? Self-pleasure (yeah, I’m talking about that), nature walks, hot baths, slow breakfasts (me!), strong coffee, cheesy TV, erotic novels? Do more of whatever that is – at least one thing every day.
2. Create strong boundaries.
You’re smart and intuitive, and you probably have a good idea of what drains your energy and how you operate best. Right now, think about what people, things, and situations suck the life out of you.
Is it the friend who talks your ear off for an hour then suddenly has to get off the phone the moment you start sharing what’s going on for you? Going to that coffee shop that has great WiFi but a terrible vibe? The boyfriend who always makes you feel guilty all the time?
Minimize everything that drains you. Cut people out completely if you’ve tried everything, had the talk, and nothing’s changed. This is your precious, beautiful life.
To build up your natural energy and effervescence and get what you want in life, you have to create strong boundaries. Remove what’s draining you and consciously block out time to rest, eat good food, move your body, connect with soul-nourishing friends and family, and have true down time. Make these things non-negotiable.
3. Build up your self-worth.
Confident people are magnetic. It can be annoying, but it’s true. It doesn’t mean you have to be extroverted or braggy.
Self-worth is simply about remembering your innate value at all times – no matter how much money is in your bank account, how you’re feeling in your body, or how your career is looking at this very moment.
Even if you’re at a complete rock bottom, you’re still completely valuable and worthy. You were born that way.
I consistently build my self-worth through Lacy Phillip’s fantastic workshops, as well as daily meditation, kundalini, long walks, and a fun variety of workouts here and there: power yoga, surfing, running, HIIT, or Zumba. I love to mix it up.
Breathing, stillness, and remembering my basic physical ability help remind me of my inherent worthiness. So does prioritizing the other four items on this list.
4. Keep your promises to yourself.
The biggest business shift I’ve ever made was focusing on my own coaching and reiki projects before I get into client copywriting work. This does not mean that I save all my energy for myself and leave the scraps for my writing clients.
It’s the complete opposite: By doing my own work first I gain SO much energy and momentum and then my client writing is 10x better. When I start the day working on one of my own projects, it’s like I’m riding a wave of energy, inspiration, and focus.
5. Cut yourself a f*cking break sometimes – or a lot of the time.
Hiiiii! I’m giving out free tickets to the zero f*cks given vacation! ::waves::
Especially if you’re super high-achieving and working toward being less hard on yourself, like me, you have to really let yourself off the hook. You’re going to mess up. You’re going to perform poorly sometimes.
You’re not always going to meditate and work out and eat right and get groceries and make dinner and look hot and do everything all the time. Or maybe you’ll NEVER do some of those things, and that’s ok. You’re human.
“It’s not about only loving our goodness, it’s about loving our wholeness.”
– paraphrased from my epic personal coach Cora Poage
Not only is it ok to be lazy sometimes – to have a day (or a week) of truly doing NOTHING – it’ll actually boost your ability to attract what you want. The universe gets a little scared off by people who are always steamrolling ahead and burning themselves out. To literally let it all come to us, we need to take full stops. Ahhh, it feels good just writing this.
Join me one day this weekend for a true day of NOTHING? I’ll be on the couch eating French toast and watching Tom & Jerry.
Ok, I would love love love to hear from you on this topic.
Are you a master at manifesting? A human magnet? Or are you struggling in this area?
Either way, leave a comment below and tell me the one manifestation tip that’s worked best for you OR the #1 thing you’re wanting more of in your life right now.
Do you feel like your body is holding you back from living your life at full capacity and creating everything you want?
Would you LOVE six months of solid 1:1 support? My new private health coaching program, ACTIVATE, is open for enrollment.
This is a step-by-step coaching system I’ve developed over 6 years in practice to help you reach your ideal weight, clear up your digestion, replenish vital nutrients, and unlock energy, creativity, and focus.