We’re taught that self-control, rules, and restriction lead to behavioral change.
Yet so many people who grew up with strict backgrounds end up rebelling the most – whether through drugs, alcohol, sex, or simply, avoidance.
In the same way, if your parents were strict about food – or you developed a restrictive approach from another source – you probably started rebelling at some point, triggering a rollercoaster relationship with food.
With each new approach to food, each “fresh start,” you promise yourself it will be different and you’ll finally feel good, like yourself, but the cycle continues…
Be “good,” eat “clean” > be “bad, ”eat whatever > punish yourself through restriction.
Studies have shown that most intentional attempts at weight loss lead to weight gain over time, plus new health issues, like weakened digestion and lowered metabolism.
On the emotional side of things, when you’re constantly judging or punishing yourself, self-esteem dips.
You begin to feel bad about yourself because you can’t stick to “clean eating,” and you still don’t feel good in your body.
The problem is not you – the problem is the restriction.
Again and again, studies have shown that restrictive eating does not work, and that it triggers new health issues.
So are you supposed to just eat whatever you want and feel like crap forever?
No.
When you become more gentle and loving with yourself, and give yourself permission to eat all foods, your body comes into alignment.
Your body starts to talk to you and ask for very specific foods, many of which are super nutrient-dense.
The body is designed to heal, and it craves nutrients, once we strip away the overwhelming static of punishment and reward.
But what has to come first is unconditional self-love… not a “successful” diet.
You won’t start loving yourself and enjoying your life more because you were finally able to stick to a diet and change the shape of your body.
Even if you get your “perfect body,” if your self-love isn’t strong you’ll continue to pick yourself apart.
I’ve been there.
When I was “finally” a size 00, I was still unhappy with my body and anxious in my life.
Changing the way you treat yourself, unconditionally, will lead you to develop natural reverence for your body’s sacred needs.
You’ll develop a sense of reverence for what your body is asking for – whether it’s cake or kale, an intense workout or a day at the spa.
You have to change the way you talk to yourself, regardless of what you look like, what you’ve eaten or not eaten, or whether you’ve worked out or not.
Your food behaviors, patterns, and body will stay the same until you start treating yourself differently.
Punishment is not working, and it’s doing a lot of harm.
Unconditional self-love and approval have to come first, then food becomes much easier.
Even if you’re eating exactly the same, looking the same, and finding yourself in the same food and exercise cycles, I want you to break the cycle of punishment by going first.
Here’s what I mean…
No diet is going to step up and change things for you.
You have to go first.
Step up for yourself and stop taking BS from the mean voice in your head.
Start talking to yourself differently, giving yourself freedom with food, and listening closely to what your body is asking for.
Try this process…
>> Step 1
Notice when a judgmental thought pops up, and actively shift it.
Reframe the scenario and replace the words with the same phrasing you would use with your best friend or someone else you love deeply.
Speak to yourself as if you were an innocent child who needs some loving guidance.
Because that’s what your impulsive side is, a small child – and punishment is not working.
We must treat ourselves as the sweet, innocent children we are.
>> Step 2
Give yourself unlimited choices when it comes to food.
I know this can feel scary (it terrified me when I first started eating intuitively), and you might overeat at first, because you finally have freedom after years – or decades – of restriction.
When ice cream is off limits and you finally allow yourself some, you dive in with wild abandon, because you don’t know when you’re going to be able to have it again.
You become so enraptured when you finally eat forbidden foods that you ignore your natural signals to stop or slow down.
Rather than listening to our bodies, we’re caught up in the excitement of eating and analysis…
How many calories is this?
OMG I’m going to feel so bloated.
Should I be eating this?
Is this the correct portion size?
Does this fit my macros?
We give these factors greater value than we give our body’s natural response system.
After the initial excitement of eating whatever you want wears off, food becomes a lot more neutral.
Cake won’t make you go crazy, because you can have it anytime.
French fries will be whatever, because they’re not this forbidden fruit.
Give a pastry chef a tray of fresh cookies and they’re like, “whatever.”
Cookies are always available – they can have them anytime, so they choose them sometimes.
I’m not saying unhealthy chefs don’t exist – there are many psychological and physical factors that influence food and addiction, and I don’t have the answers for every single person.
I’m speaking to the women who have dieted and been incredibly hard on themselves for years, and have seen very little improvement in their health, self-love, and confidence.
When you give yourself genuine freedom with food, you can clear the noise of “good” or “bad” and listen closely to your body, with no judgment.
My work is about developing deep self-love and a body you feel amazing in for the rest of your life.
Going through the non-linear process of relearning intuitive eating is worth the time and initial effort, for a lifetime of effortless eating and body love.
>> Step 3
Listen closely to what your body is asking for.
How do different foods make you feel?
What works best for your body?
It takes time to hear your intuitive food voice, since there are so many external voices trying to get through to you and keep you in the diet cycle.
The wellness industry is worth billions of dollars, and it thrives off our insecurities.
So give yourself patience and grace.
Keep asking your body what she wants, then ask again, and again, until you get to the core of what she really wants and needs.
Unlimited choices don’t lead to disorder and chaos, they teach you how to develop built-in mechanisms where your body naturally says less / more / stop / this / that please, and it’s not an emotional ordeal.
When we’re always on a diet, we’re not really eating because we’re hungry or full.
We’re eating because we have enough calories left, it’s carb-free, or it’s “negative” calories.
In doing so we ignore our bodies and get into our heads.
Whether we’re actually hungry or full, we eat or don’t eat based on the diet, rejecting ourselves and our genuine needs.
This erodes our self-trust and makes us feel ashamed.
We become submissive to food, a dress size, or the scale.
Our confidence becomes a weak pulse at best.
The next diet will not be different.
Your relationship with yourself must be your priority.
If your partner or best friend was judging themselves, you wouldn’t shame them.
You would speak to them lovingly and reassure them they can trust themselves and the innate intelligence of their bodies.
Give yourself the same kindness and benefit of the doubt.
You are doing your absolute best, as you’ve always done.
You are not the problem.
Diet culture is the problem.
Even if nothing shifts on the outside today, change the way you talk to yourself, give yourself food freedom, and listen closely to your body.
The physical shifts will happen in perfect timing, and you’ll experience a lot more joy in the process.
How do you talk to yourself?
Is the voice in your head loving or mean?
Leave a comment below and I’ll reply with more supportive tools.
Much love,
Lula
Photo by @felixruizdiez