In 6th grade science class I would constantly raise my hand and answer questions correctly.

Mr. O’Malley loved it.

One of my classmates, Gina*, hated it. And she talked.

Whispers spread about me being a teacher’s pet and sucking up.

The truth was that I was just a really enthusiastic little girl.

I was homeschooled up until 5th grade, and SUPER excited to enter the public school system.

I loved all my new friends, my soccer team, and the daily structure of classes, lunch time, and even homework.

Because, well, I was a nerd.

I loved getting up, getting dressed, going to school, studying, writing, and doing well on tests.

As a pretty sheltered homeschooled kid, I wasn’t really familiar with the concept of sucking up or kissing ass. I was just being myself.

So when Gina started talking sh*t I was first confused, and then hurt.

I started to realize it made other people uncomfortable when I was constantly raising my hand and answering questions.

So I stopped doing it. And I curled up into a metaphorical little ball.

I went inside myself and hid out.

I started covering up the super bubbly part of myself to blend in more and be well-liked. It didn’t really work, but it felt better than being berated and taunted for speaking up in class.

Although I technically had a lot of “friends” and was part of the “popular” group, even with all my efforts to fit in (eye roll), I still felt like I was on the outskirts.

I had a few close friends I was extremely grateful for, but in larger social settings, it felt as if there was some secret password everyone knew that I didn’t. I felt isolated.

I would go to all the parties and usually be invited along to the mall on the weekends, but I felt like I wasn’t really there, connected with my “friends,” although physically, I was.

Have you ever felt that way?

What was missing was that I wasn’t being myself. I was turning my natural essence down a few notches to try to fit in.

It’s on me.

I don’t blame Gina or anyone else for this.

We all talk about feeling like we’re not enough at times, but what about the challenge of feeling like you’re too much? Too excited, too ambitious, too bubbly. Too much?

Then what?

You start overeating and overdrinking to dim yourself down in an attempt to feel “normal,” connected, and liked. But you never feel connected because you’re trying to form bonds from a place of inauthenticity, since you’re not being your full self.

When you’ve constantly got a snuffer (you know, those things you use to put out candles) on yourself, there’s no way your people can find you.

And by “your people,” I mean the ones who see and honor your brilliance and your weak spots, and would never want you to show up as anyone besides yourself.

They can only spot you when your light is on high, which is why you should keep it turned up, even if Gina gets the whole class against you.

In fact, that’s probably a good thing. You’re not meant to bond with everyone. It would be exhausting and draining.

Your people are waiting for you. Instead of making yourself small, be true to yourself in every interaction – the bigger and brighter, the better.

QUESTION: SO, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH WEIGHT LOSS?

ANSWER: EVERYTHING.

When I hit 9th grade (or probably earlier, to be honest) I started to overeat on autopilot in an attempt to turn my light down, physically and emotionally. I would eat everything in front of me, and then dig into the Lazy Susan late at night.

How do you feel after overeating?

Dull, tired, bloated, and kinda resentful of yourself.

The opposite of bright, energetic, and slim.

We overeat to hide. To push down our feelings, and hide behind extra layers of weight.

We don’t want to be fully seen, because at some point, we got the idea it wasn’t ok, and might make people like us less.

I’m not encouraging you to point fingers at everyone who’s ever told you you were too much (directly or indirectly), because it’s all about our perception.

I perceived Gina’s assessment of my ass kissing as negative, when really, it was positive. Because it showed me who I didn’t want to be and who I didn’t want to associate with, which is extremely valuable.

When you know what you don’t want, what you do want becomes a lot clearer and simpler to choose.

At 10 years old I couldn’t see that, but looking back it’s crystal clear.

I see how my understanding of that situation followed me throughout my high school and college years, manifesting most commonly in the form of overeating and overdrinking.

By binging on bread and alcohol (and Nutella, cheese, pasta…) I dimmed myself down by keeping a few extra pounds around my waist and eating foods I knew lead to cystic acne for me, like dairy.

When you’re scared to shine bright and be seen, you eat, drink, and do things that make you feel like shit.

Cause if you feel amazing, you look amazing and automatically become a magnet for everything you want.

I’m not saying positive opportunities are directly connected to how you look, I’m saying when you take the snuffer off yourself and honor your bright, enthusiastic, honest, layered nature, you automatically make the choices that bring your body into alignment.

You naturally lose weight you don’t need, your skin glows, and your energy levels double or triple. And that’s exactly what I teach my clients through the Good Taste System, and what you get a preview of right here, through my writing.

But today, I just want you to ask yourself this: Could you be overeating or drinking because you’re scared to shine bright and get the attention and success that goes along with that? Are you hiding behind your weight?

It’s a tough question, and can be hard to admit, but simply becoming aware of this can trigger weight loss and an entirely new perception of reality.

It was hard to acknowledge this myself, but I had a huge aha moment when I realized what was happening.

Just by recognizing it, I went from obsessing over food and hating my body to feeling 100% at ease with food, even at a buffet with all my “trigger” foods (like salted brownies and peanut butter).

So, are you hiding behind food and extra layers of weight?

Email me at lula@lulabrown.com and tell me, or if you’re comfortable, leave a comment below.

This is a safe space, and I personally answer all my emails.

No one else sees my inbox besides me.

Much love,
Lula

*Name has been changed

Photo: Madison Yen