People comment on my energy a lot.
Like, a lot a lot.
Online. In real life.
People I’ve just met. People I’ve known for years.
Clients. Colleagues.
“Your energy is unmatched.”
“Your energy is contagious and I think I could learn a lot from you.”
“You have such a magnificent, soothing energy.”
“She just has this energy.”
“I’ll miss your energy the most.”
Most of the time, I feel this way:
Happy and shiny and bright and full of inspiration.
But the truth is that I have a pretty strong Wednesday Addams in me.
I have since I was a little girl.
I was quiet a lot.
I was moody at times.
I questioned everything.
I wanted to know why x5.
I hated waking up early for school.
I wasn’t happy to follow the rules without understanding why they were in place, but I did.
I learned to be a good girl – like Enid Sinclair in Wednesday.
I wasn’t a rebellious kid…
… but eventually I just left.
I left high school early to start college when I was 17.
This put me into a space where I had a lot more freedom, and was trusted by my teachers.
It might be surprising:
How can this blondish redhead girl who lives on the beach in one of the happiest countries in the world have a Wednesday Addams in her?
We all have a paradox of light and dark, but we’re taught to push down the dark.
To be positive all the time.
To just smile through everything.
To be endlessly understanding and accommodating.
I definitely learned this, first in the public school system.
I had an alternative childhood, with Rudolph Steiner homeschooling, co-counseling, and somatics at the center.
All feelings were celebrated.
Processing emotions in real time was encouraged.
Kids and adults were equally respected.
Questions were encouraged.
Honoring the body was key.
The public school system, which I entered in 5th grade, took a very different approach.
Everything was whitewashed with positivity.
Feeling negative emotions was something to be avoided at all costs.
The rules existed because they did; questions were often met with shock and dismissal.
These themes continued into my first jobs – I was always a bit different.
Subversive at times on the inside, a good girl on the outside – meeting deadlines and getting promotions.
In the past six years I’m very proud of the integration I’ve done between light and dark.
It’s been so healing and fortifying.
Still, there are times I feel a conflict, especially when I’m having a Wednesday Addams day and someone comments on how great my energy is.
What I’ve learned is that your light stays on even when you think it’s out.
In fact, when everything is bright all the time, it’s hard to see the light.
When you turn a light on in broad daylight, you can barely make it out.
When you turn a light on when it’s dark out, it’s clear as day – blinding, even.
You don’t have to feel perfectly positive and be perfectly positive to have a positive impact on others – to help others heal just by existing, just by sharing your energy.
In fact, I would say that feeling and embracing all of who you are is key to being a naturally healing human with great energy.
When we suppress certain aspects of ourselves, others feel an uneasiness and distrust, even if only subconscious.
Realizing this has helped me so much in rectifying and integrating my moody, introspective Wednesday Addams with my bright, peppy Enid Sinclair.
Do you ever feel a split between how others perceive you and how you feel inside?
This comes up a lot for me, and I’m understanding it more every day.
I’d love to hear if you feel this too – leave a comment below.
Much love,
Lula