Starting around age 10, I got the message, over and over, that my body was too sexual, and that sexuality was dangerous…
1. When my 5th grade principal called me into his office to tell me my shorts were too short, even though they were exactly the same as every other girl.
2. When people close to me pointed out how men looked at me all the time, and how I had to be careful and dress modestly.
3. When I was molested outside my apartment in Florence, Italy after a run, while studying abroad at 19.
… and almost every woman has experienced some version of this.
Healing my relationship with my sexuality and learning it’s not dangerous was key to…
1. Healing my food and body image issues, including restricting, overeating, binging, and purging.
2. Getting my metabolism and vitality back after antagonizing my body for years.
3. Mastering intuitive eating, allowing myself to eat everything with zero guilt, and knowing exactly what nutrients I need to feel my best.
Let’s dive into WHY sexuality matters, and how it affects food behavior and body image, then we’ll get into how I healed – and am still healing – my sexuality.
It’s not something you do once and then you’re done.
Projected fear around sexuality doesn’t go away.
It has to be navigated, felt, and healed on a regular basis to keep your relationship with food, your body, and your whole self strong.
Here’s why sexuality matters so much…
>> Your sexuality is as important as any other function. Cutting off your sexuality is like cutting off your digestion.
It affects every area of health and creativity, especially emotional eating, overeating, and body image.
When we fear our sexuality, we fear attention, so we hide behind extra weight, overeating, undereating, and/or purging.
It doesn’t matter the behavior, the underlying theme is that we’re trying to control our bodies to be smaller or bigger, so they’re less sexual, and therefore “safer.”
The direct and subliminal messages we’re sent about sexuality can trigger self-sabotaging behaviors.
The subconscious mind says: If we never feel or look our best, and we keep our sexuality controlled and hidden, we can stay safe from unwanted attention.
So we dim our light. We dim our full expression in every category – from work and creativity to relationships. It’s not always obvious, but you’ll notice when it shifts.
Embracing my sexuality and grounding into my innate safety helped me heal my relationship with food and my body.
This is how I shifted into safety around my sexuality…
>> Through working with a spiritual health coach, and the intuitive healing process I now teach, I feel safe in my sexuality, and my relationship with my body and food is fun and loving.
I eat whatever I want.
I crave and eat lots of nutrient-dense foods.
I never overeat or binge.
I never purge.
I feel comfortable and confident in my body.
I feel expressed sexually, even when I’m single.
And life just feels a lot lighter, more playful, and more fun.
I could’ve predicted at 10 years old that I would talk about sexuality in my work.
I was so healthily and safely expressed, but I was told it was wrong, so I shut down, and waited forever to have sex and feel safe expressing sexuality, out of fear.
Here are a few of the daily practices I use to affirm my autonomy, safety, and permission to express myself…
1. I dress for myself.
I don’t dress for other people, or even occasions, most of the time. I choose clothes that make me feel like myself, that are an expression of me, and that bring me joy and comfort.
Sometimes I dress very sexy, other times I dress boyish or conservative.
Sh*t can and does happen whether you’re wearing a mini skirt or a mumu, and that’s your f*cking prerogative. You are discerning and smart and sensual and strong all at the same time.
Women don’t need to dress differently, men need to be taught not to harass and attack women.
Of course, this applies to the entire gender range and is interchangeable, but today I’m talking about people who identify as women.
The bottom line is that dressing for yourself is empowering.
It’s not about what your mom or boyfriend thinks of your outfit, it’s what you think of your outfit: How it makes you feel, and whether it’s an expression and reflection of you.
2. I share photos, for myself.
I share sexy photos with men I’m dating, or sometimes on the Internet, because they feel like a natural expression of my life force, and a way of showing other people it’s safe to express themselves.
I don’t share for approval, or to prove anything.
I post these photos because they’re a healthy, natural extension of me and my message of radical freedom and self-expression.
These photos also feel like art to me. Not sharing them – when I feel called to, how I feel called to, and with who I feel called to – would be like stunting one of my creative outlets.
3. I have very strong boundaries.
I ground my energy every single day through kundalini, meditation, movement, good food, and good sleep.
I can sense a creeper from a mile away, and I have a strong f*ck off energy.
If someone approaches me I have no problem telling them I don’t want to talk, point blank, or even just ignoring them.
As much as I do get checked out and catcalled, and that can be uncomfortable, the truth is that I rarely have more serious issues than looks or words, because I have a strong protective energy around myself, which I cultivate every day.
Through these practices, and more that I’m not sharing right now, I strengthen my autonomy and discernment muscles.
I affirm within my body and my mind that I am safe, and that I can express as I wish.
This diffuses the tension of fear and hiding, so I don’t wind up overeating or undereating to break that tension.
Strengthening your independence and power in very practical ways relieves the pressure cooker effect of not knowing whether you’re safe.
Your sensuality, sexuality, and safety practices could look very different from mine.
It comes down to grounding your energy, being in your body, and enjoying your sexuality, through whichever practices do that for you.
Why do we use food to feel safe?
Food is a really effective way to feel temporarily safe in your body, so it’s understandable why people overeat when they’re stressed, anxious, or scared.
We’re taught sexuality is dangerous…
… when you feel heavier in your body, or bloated, or gassy, you feel temporarily safer, because you’re not feeling your sexuality as much.
You’re reminded of the weight, the gravity, of your body, which imparts fundamental safety, even if it’s fleeting. For a few minutes, at least, you are safe – you can’t float away.
It really is a temporary, artificial sense of safety, because after you overeat you feel more out of control than when you started… when originally you were seeking control.
Once you affirm your internal safety, regardless of food and gravity, your sexuality and your health can naturally calibrate.
>> Listen closely to how your body wants to express, and live your life on your own terms.
It is safe to express your full range, in a way that feels good to YOU, and only you.
You are safe now. Your body is beautiful now. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing you need to change.
And you cannot make any sustainable change until you fully accept and love yourself exactly as you are today.
If you feel in your heart that something is off, and you want to unlock your full vitality, for yourself, that’s absolutely possible.
Accepting yourself as you are today is the first, non-negotiable step to correcting imbalances, getting your metabolism back, and feeling good in your body.
It’s not fluff, either. You cannot skip over it. Self-judgment and fear can lower immunity and digestion, making it more difficult to shift your physical body and health.
Love yourself now, express yourself now, in a way that feels good to you, and keep affirming your autonomy and self-love in every moment.
Healing sexuality is a big piece of the food and body image puzzle, and a beautiful, super fun area to focus on.
Were you taught that sexuality is dangerous?
Do you ever feel like you’re hiding behind food or weight, because you don’t want to get attention that feels unsafe?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments below, so we can support each other.
Love,
Lula