When I was deeply struggling with food and body image in my teens, one of my biggest triggers was jealousy.

It was one of the worst feelings.

I wanted so badly to stop feeling jealous, but I felt stuck in cycles of comparison and not-enoughness.

It would go something like this:

1. I’d see someone who was thinner than me.
2. I’d get triggered and restrict my food.
3. I’d eventually break down and binge. 

This trigger-restrict-binge cycle continued until I committed to intuitive eating in my early 20s, completely stopped restricting and overeating, and broke this cycle for good.

The people who have made me the most jealous in my life are people who seem like better versions of me.

Similar, but better in some way, in my mind.

While people with opposite features and lifestyles spark jealousy in some, I always found that the people most similar to me sparked the most jealousy.

Ironically, from the time I was a little girl, people have always told me – often in the midst of conflict and in an attempt to help me feel better – that other people are jealous of me.

“She’s just jealous of you.”
“She’s just jealous of you.”
“She’s just jealous of you.”

Starting around the age of 10, I heard this on repeat from family members, teachers, guidance counselors, and friends.

At times it felt like a broken record.

I understand that they were trying to help me feel better, and that blaming jealousy felt like a sure way to ease my pain and boost my confidence.

In those moments, as a kid and teenager, it did make me feel better.

It made me feel like *I* was better – elevated in some way – because they were “just jealous of me.”

Thinking you’re better creates problems, especially as a child when your brain hasn’t fully developed.

Affirming or even hinting that a child is better than others creates problems.

As an adult I know that being reassured others are “just jealous of me” never helps – whether it’s true or not.

Why is affirming jealousy unhelpful, even if the person in question is indeed jealous?

Jealousy drives separation, which is a fallacy.

Our nature is connection – unconditional and inescapable connection.

We need each other, and we can’t truly support each other if we’re constantly being pitted against one another.

This is especially common amongst women – people love to pit us against each other, and we often learn to pit ourselves against each other from a young age.

Remembering our divine connection and celebrating each other are acts of rebellion in a society that benefits from keeping us small and catty.

Cycles of competition, judgment, and inadequacy keep us stuck and dissatisfied, putting us in the perfect position to keep fueling the wellness economy rather than breaking free and finding deep self-love.

I’m very excited to see gen z doing things differently from a young age, but as a society, people of all ages still have a lot of work to do in dismantling jealousy narratives.

Here’s the truth about jealousy:

When someone is jealous of you, and you’re feeling that – or what you think is that – they’re simply seeing themselves in you.

You might be inspiring them, and you probably have much more in common than you realize.

You’re more connected than ever.

When you feel jealous of someone, they’re showing you something that already exists within you, and something you want to develop.

They are a divine clue.

A walking mirror.

It’s never just about one thing – their body, their hair, their outfit.

Jealousy is usually rooted in their confidence:

The way they carry their body.

The way their hair is an expression of their unbridled freedom.

The way they wear their outfit, confident and carefree.

There’s two options when it comes to jealousy:

1. We can get tripped up in it and let it hold us back.
2. We can make it work for us, by alchemizing it. 

How can you make jealousy work for you?

Here’s how to make jealousy work for you:

You can do this in your head, in your notes app, or in a journal…

1. Identify that you’re feeling jealous. Name the feeling and give yourself 10-15 dedicated minutes to fully feel your jealousy. This is harder than it sounds. Practice and build up – no distractions.

2. Get specific on why: What do they have that you want? Why are you feeling jealous?

3. Send the other person love.

4. Mentally thank them for showing you more of what you want and inspiring you to lean into more of who you are.

5. Take a small action to fulfill #4 – less than 5 minutes. Send them a note of appreciation or a simple compliment, complete something on your to-do list, or write down 5 things you love about yourself and want to lean into more.

6. Move your energy: Go for a quick walk, stretch, or do 100 jumping jacks.

7. Breathe, rest, and let go: Lay down for 20 minutes with your eyes closed, breathing deeply and imagining all feelings of judgment and separation melting down into the ground beneath you.

8. Forgive yourself for any feelings you perceive as negative: Write a self-forgiveness note or say it out loud.

9. Send the person who’s making you jealous love, again, and practice holding them in the highest regard, remembering we’re all connected and all on the same team.

10. Hold yourself in the highest regard, remembering that you’re deserving of love now, and deserving of all your desires.

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The best way to stop feeling jealous is to embrace your jealousy.

Remember how normal and natural jealousy is – and how learned it is, in some cases.

Move toward your jealousy, rather than resisting it and trying to make it go away without fully feeling it.

There’s major magic in jealousy – it’s a guide toward your deepest desires.

Explore your jealousy, and see what it has to tell you.

Whichever end of jealousy you’re on, soften into love and connection – our natural state, true way of being, and path forward.

What’s your experience with jealousy?

Is it something you often feel?

Are you always told that others are jealous of you?

I want to hear from you – leave a comment below.

With love,
Lula